From Trauma to Triumph: The Power of Reclaiming Your Story

Show Notes

In this episode, we delve into Victoria's inspiring journey, her impactful writing, and the profound effect she has had on those who have had the privilege of hearing her speak. Get ready to be captivated and inspired as we uncover the essence of her work and discover the limitless power of resilience and self-discovery.

Victoria is a published author, a captivating speaker, and the creative mind behind the empowering brand, Victoria T. Talks. Her latest book, "Yeshua's Yes," is a powerful testament to the life-changing victory she achieved through the love of Christ, overcoming traumas like depression and abortion. Through her transparent and authentic storytelling, Victoria has empowered countless women and young girls to embrace their God-given identities and live fearlessly.

🔗Connect with Victoria🔗
TikTok: Created_n_Crowned
Facebook:  Victoria Loftin
Instagram: Created_and_Crowned

Book: Yeshua's Yes ( Affiliate Link)

🔗Connect with Penned By Design 🔗

Instagram: pennedbydesign_podcast

Facebook: Penned By Design Podcast

Twitter: @pennedbydesign

Youtube: Penned By Design Podcast

🌟Free Self-Publishing Guide: Self Publishing 101

Affiliate Links Disclaimer: I only recommend products I would use myself. This episode may contain affiliate links in the show notes. They add no additional cost to you, I may earn a small commission that helps support the podcast. Thank you for the support! 😊

Transcript

Triumph over Trauma: Reclaim Your Story

Destiny: [00:00:00] Welcome to Penned by Design, the podcast that delves into the craft of writing, publishing, and captivating stories that ignite our imagination. 

Destiny: I'm your humble host, destiny Jordan, but the author 

Destiny: business constantly evolving and bring with possibilities. Me and my awesome guests are here to guide you through every step of the journey.

Destiny: Penned your own story designed by you. So let's get started.

Destiny: Everyone. Welcome to Penn by Design. Here we talk about publishing the author journey and just being entrepreneur. And so today we have the lovely Victoria Lofton Thomas here with us. So not only she accomplished author, published author for one, she's an inspiring speaker, a creative mom behind her brand, Victoria T Talks, share journey in the realm of words that nothing short of all inspiring.

Destiny: Oh, [00:01:00] inspiring with her latest book. Yes, she was. Yes. As you can see, mine is all marked up. There's highlights in here. It is been going to work. It's a very wonderful book, and it's just a testament of the power of faith, love, and just personal triumph. So within these pages of her book, she really unveils transformative journey of concrete, deep, civic seated traumas like depression, and even the topic of abortion, all through the unwavering embrace of Christ's love.

Destiny: Her words bear the weight of authenticity and transparency piercing through the hearts of readers, from empowering women and young girls across the globe to step into their God given identities and live their lives with unguarded freedom. So here we go, Victoria. 

Victoria: Thank you so much for having me. I don't know if I could have introduced myself any better than you [00:02:00] just did.

Victoria: So thank you. Thank you. And I'm so happy to be here today. 

Destiny: Oh my gosh, likewise. I'm excited. We, I can into your schedule cause you 

Victoria: know, girl, you be around round the world. Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no. But we not, you know, things are picking up, but Lord take me where he wants me to go. So I'm excited about it.

Destiny: Awesome. So this first question I have for you is, what was it like to publish your first book and how did you kinda keep going through the process? Cause it's kinda a, 

Victoria: a hard process as I've heard. Yeah. So writing is definitely a hard process. For me. I like to say it may have been a little harder cause I didn't consider myself a writer a few years ago.

Victoria: And so when lawyer this. Get somebody else to do it. Right. I was not feeling it, I didn't want to do it. It actually took me like over a year before I set to write anything. And so throughout the process of writing it was hard. So I'm not gonna lie about that. Cuz I realized that I [00:03:00] was my book. And so it was a healing process for me.

Victoria: So the more that I would write, the more was required. So I was saying, Hey, I have these experiences, you know, a lot of them are what not to do, and so I can just talk about, you know, whatever, just talk about it. And so in this book, it was bringing over those experiences, but it was also telling people that there's healing after.

Victoria: And so you can't do that unless there's healing before. And so it was definitely a journey, but one that I'm happy I went on. 

Destiny: For sure. It's really, I really, I'm thankful cause just reading your book just was a lot for me. I'm like, oh my gosh. Stuff like talking about things that no one really talks about.

Destiny: And usually when you're in shrouding these type of issues, you feel like you're the only one going through these things and it's kinda hard to know where to turn 

Victoria: to for a lot of this. 

Destiny: But even, even, no. So one thing I wanted to ask about, cuz you did talk about how hard it was to write [00:04:00] it and took you a year, which most people say it takes a year if you're new to it.

Destiny: But then do you feel like you're writing the process evolved as you kept on writing? I would say, 

Victoria: I would use the term evolve very loosely. It did change throughout the process. Some parts were easy to write, some parts were harder. I think what did change was the discipline that I gained about it and being able to go back and read it.

Victoria: Cause I also had a history of not being a completer, right? And so this was one of the first things that I was able to go back and complete and get done. So as deadlines were set for me and as the Lord would lead me to look back and say, Hey, you know, he asked this of me and I finished it was very fulfilling to me.

Victoria: So I found pro, you know, purpose throughout the process. And so even though the writing was just as hard in the beginning, even harder in the end, cause that's when he was really getting deep.[00:05:00] Just being able to complete it and getting it done, and knowing that I was walking in purpose. Was enough to kinda, you know, motivate me to, Hey, we came this far, you know, you're a finisher.

Victoria: This is important, you know, this is very important and it's bigger than you. And so that pushed me. And so I learned that throughout my process of writing my first book. Wow. That 

Destiny: really, that really hits home when you talk about discipline and just writing with purpose, that's kinda stuck out to me in like, you know, cause when you're writing, it's kinda like you're, you're in, you're by yourself, you're at the computer, by yourself typing on these keys, just typing away.

Destiny: And you don't, at the time, you don't feel like there's much used to it. Who's gonna read this? And then all this, when all the, I feel like all the thoughts for me come to you. Like, who's gonna read this? Why am I doing this? No one understands what I'm doing because, you know, no one else I know is a writer.

Destiny: No one else I know does this type of thing. [00:06:00] So what makes me, you know, Able to do these types of things that I 

Victoria: feel that are hard. Definitely. And I definitely understand that cuz it is a fear. It's just like, will people like it? Will people understand? And and a book like mine being my first book and it won't be my last for sure, so working on getting one finished here soon.

Victoria: So two more be finished this year. So I'm excited, but it is a fear behind it and especially with the transparency because I know that our stories aren't for everyone and everybody has different opinions and everybody won't agree and so on a lot of these topics that we would call taboo in a sense, especially with the church background I knew that it wouldn't be taken lightly and so it was like, okay, going into it, a lot of people might not agree.

Victoria: A lot of people might not like it. And how will it sail, you know? Will it be worth all that I put into it? You know, will I write this book? Cause now I know it's about me and my healing process and will I be the only one change from, it [00:07:00] was a fear for me. So kinda 

Destiny: how did, how did you kinda get over that fear to push through that fear to write it and even publish it?

Destiny: That's a whole 

Victoria: nother step. Yes. And so the fear kinda still lingered. It started to get less and less. But it was kinda still there. Cause you never, you know, we're jumping into something new. Sometimes you don't know how deep it is and where it's gonna lead you. But I had committed to the process and I knew that it was bigger than me.

Victoria: And so the Lord did gimme a team of people and people that were in my life that helped push me, like, Hey, I know even my publisher like was in me writing this book. She was like, Hey, How many pages you got today, like checking on you, how are you feeling? You know, what is the Lord saying? And so he definitely surrounded me with people who were able to see the vision for me and not instead of me, but they were able to see it as well.

Victoria: And so on days where I felt a little bit low, they were able to pick me up. And so I was definitely thankful for that. [00:08:00] Cause on days where it's a little bit cloudy for me, so as I was like, hey would remind me of why I was doing what I was doing and it was the best decision I made and one of the most fulfilling things I've ever done.

Victoria: And so I'm glad that I didn't stop. 

Destiny: So I am too, cause this is a quite a breakthrough type of type of book. My other thing is just kinda why this book and kind of why now, that type of thing. 

Victoria: Yes. And so I think just the time of the season I was in my life. You know, and the Lord takes us to different seasons and wants better for us.

Victoria: And so I think I was definitely at a place where I wanted better. I didn't necessarily know what that was. And in order for God to gimme the things I have now and the things that he plans on getting me, it was a lot of, you know, behind the scenes work that needed to take place that I wasn't aware of.

Victoria: And so I would always make the joke, like, my life is so crazy. I'm, you know, I'm gonna [00:09:00] write a book about it one day. You know, we gonna have a movie about it one day. They need to put this on lifetime. And so when he bought it to me, I was like, see, you gotta be careful what you say. But it was definitely more strategic than that and just way bigger than that.

Victoria: And so I think that this is the time cause with my transparency that I believe that God gifted me with. This is kind of like a different avenue for it to drive and get to people. Cuz like you mentioned before, a lot of times we think that we're all alone in a place or situation. And so I do believe, and I know that transparency transforms, it helps others know that they're not alone, anything that they do.

Victoria: And also I started to look at it like, okay, well you say you can write the book. You say you have the experience, so why not me? You know? And I know that things that happened are bigger than me and therefore a reason. And so when he asked me for it, then I didn't understand. But now when I look back, I [00:10:00] feel like it's the fir, the foundation that I have and the stepping stone I have to go forth and to help other people.

Victoria: Cause more than anything I wanna be the person that I wish was in my life at a lot of different points in my book. And so I feel like he's equipped me to be that for somebody else. 

Destiny: I already hear that. Especially being, being the resource 

Victoria: for the younger, the younger you, the you when you're going through, where's the guiding 

Destiny: voice 

Victoria: that I, I feel that that 

Destiny: is kind of, for a lot of people who get into writing like that is some, some of the backbone of why usually people that if they write fiction, they're like, I don't see any good fiction books that speak to me.

Destiny: Lemme go ahead and put it 

Victoria: out there. And 

Destiny: it's the idea from in your head saying this is a good idea to doing the action. Those are two different mindsets, two different parallels, two different worlds by both require courage and discipline, [00:11:00] which is Bravo on that. So I also look, so you talked about you had a publisher earlier.

Destiny: Can I explain your publishing process, how that goes? Just kinda see so you get an idea what to expect if they're going to publishers or 

Victoria: what to do. Yes. And so my publishing process, especially since I was so reluctant God definitely gave me a great setup. And so he had told me at the beginning of that day, you know, your name is in rooms that your feet haven't been in yet.

Victoria: And I was like, Laura, that sounds so fancy and that sounds nice, but I need a publisher. Like, I need help. And so I had asked different people I know that wrote books. I was asking questions and I kinda didn't get anything. And then that same day later on through a mutual friend at the time, I found myself in the middle of that day on the phone with the publisher who was new to publish it.

Victoria: We were talking and speaking. I was like, Hmm. You know, Lord, that's what you said. So [00:12:00] I'm all hyped up. I'm amped up, I'm feeling good. And once we had that first meeting, it was just so many confirmations and things for me. And so I think just when looking for publishing, depending on what you're doing, making sure.

Victoria: That you pray about it first and that you're asking God for people who share your vision and share your priorities and goals, you know, have the same morals. And I think that was important. Cause I believe, honestly that my publisher was excited for me, wanted to see me win. And it was just as much as the message that I had, she wanted to get out there as well.

Victoria: And so it wasn't about, okay, I'm gonna do this for you, sign the check and I'll see you later. She definitely worked with me and stood beside me and made sure, hey, we wanna be impactful. Like, I don't wanna have the first book to release. I don't need it to be in this month. I need, when we send it for, for it to be everything God wants it to be, to connect and hit people like it's supposed to.

Victoria: And so I'm thankful for that. [00:13:00] 

Destiny: Oh, The fact that you kind of went out there and searched around, at least put, enforce the effort. And it comes back to you say, Hey, you heard, heard your cry. Let, let's come over there, help you out. And there's concern for sure. Right? And there's, for publishing, there's a lot of options.

Destiny: So it's really easy to get kinda drowned out. Like, which one's the best one? Do you go traditional? There's self-publishing, there's people that are in between publishing. It's just 

Victoria: getting 

Destiny: out there. But really being dedicated to focus really helps. And

Destiny: so also question is, how did you promote your book? 

Victoria: Yeah, so with promoting now that was a different learning process and a journey within itself. So it's like a lot of layers to it that I wasn't aware of, which I'm sure for good reason. But I started off, so that was a different layer of putting yourself [00:14:00] out there making sure that you market.

Victoria: And so. I asked again for help, so it might sound like I'm cheating a lot. Cause I go to my daddy off and I'll be like, Hey, I need help, you know? And so I asked for help and very soon after, I wanna say it probably wasn't even 48 hours I came across a business coach, right? And so I've been working with her and she's absolutely phenomenal and I love her.

Victoria: So she teaches me how to strategize and to work with things. So I'm big on if I don't know how I need to learn. And so I'm never ashamed to say, Hey, I don't know what I'm doing. Help me figure this out. And so that's been great and my marketing processes just sitting there and learning and sending under somebody, Hey, how should I market this?

Victoria: How should I say this? And also, I do graphics myself as well. And so putting what I already had as a skill and also being open to learn new information has helped me a lot with [00:15:00] marketing. But just because you finished the book does not mean you know how to market it and that you know how to sell it. And just cause your book can be great doesn't mean that you'll necessarily put it out there and you'll sell filing copies the first day, which is what I thought.

Victoria: And so learning that just as hard as I worked at the book, because the message is so important, I had to work and learn how to adjust at promoting it as well, because it's no good to have the book and you have all of them sent in your closet, but the message isn't getting out there. And so that has been a different journey on its own.

Victoria: So when jumping into it knowing that, hey, before I see what I wanna see, there will be different levels to this, but then once you learn it and you continue to write, the next book is a lot easier. It's a lot smoother, there's a lot less fear. And so knowing that that fall can last a while, but at the end there's a greater.

Destiny: Most definitely. So what, just kinda break down, someone just kinda get, get a [00:16:00] little bit. What type of market did you do? Was it like, how, how do you start some of your marketing, your books 

so 

Victoria: people would know about it? Yes, and so social media has been a big way. I market it especially because as my business coach like to say, it's free advertising.

Victoria: So making sure I use the things at my disposal, like I'm gonna post about it, you're gonna see me out there. Not too much, but just enough. So making sure I post using the graphics as well. I have different events to market as well, like when people purchase the book. We do local book clubs where people can meet and so I do flyers for that sort of thing.

Victoria: Every once in a while we might have a promotion. The post out there as well. And as far as marketing is in your face out there. Cause I am a brand, you know, people have to see me. I can't do it all from home. So I also make sure to look into like different vendor events where I can travel and connect and meet with new people is very [00:17:00] important.

Victoria: So making sure to be active and to stay out there use nothing is too much. And every platform, especially as it's, if it's free, it's definitely a route to go. And so I believe in doing that, it builds confidence and once you see people react to it or once you get used to it, it becomes easier. And like you said, you have to be a walking billboard for yourself because if I don't believe in a book enough to try to go get you to buy it or to talk to you about it, I shouldn't expect anybody to want to buy it.

Destiny: That's good right there. So this seems like for authors and especially this first time authors is really helping to put out this self-confidence. Cause what, what you just said, you don't believe in this book that you have cried and toed over for however long. Then you can't make anyone else believe it as well.

Destiny: And that's just definitely, and that's just kinda thing I do love. You said like free, so kinda look at your social media. So any free on [00:18:00] Facebook, your Facebook friends think like maybe TikTok if you're on there. Instagram YouTube, 

Victoria: even LinkedIn, like I have a LinkedIn account. And so I post my information even out there and my book and everything even in that ram.

Victoria: So I've had people reach out like, Hey, I know this is what you do. Would you like to come talk about your book here? Which was surprising to me. And so even just. Any solution anywhere I can be where you can see me. When you see me, you should see my brand and what I advertise and my book should be there.

Victoria: And so thinking about it more as a lifestyle and not a moment has helped me a lot. Cause you can be in the grocery store like, or even my husband, which I feel like it's the best husband in the world and nobody can convince me otherwise. He will go to the gas station even when I'm not there. Like he sold books for me.

Victoria: It's like, Hey, are you a reader? My wife, da da da. And so I give even my family business cards. And so when [00:19:00] they're out and about and somebody mentions something, they can help. And that's free to go different places. And so you can definitely go the route of paying. But I say as new author and especially starting off, you don't wanna do in money.

Victoria: But we need the money. Cause to write a book, it costs money to go to these vendor, be a vendor in places it costs money. And so we have to be realistic with it as well. You know, Jesus is king and he is Lord. Yes. And when I go, I'm gonna need my money and to go. It costs money. And so you wanna take advantage of every opportunity that you have.

Victoria: And so everything that you can think of, you can go sell. Especially depending on your book. I learned like different groups on Facebook. Hey, if you have a group of people that's into this or that you're used to hanging out with, then send it. Like it doesn't hurt anything. Like I said, [00:20:00] it's free. It doesn't cost you anything.

Victoria: And the worst they can say is no or not right now. But even so one person no can be another five. The next five people can say yes. And so just being open and making sure to look as well as even the opportunity I had here to have my books in the mall here, which was great. And so having them here in the mall, it was somebody who worked that stand for me.

Victoria: My books was there. I never had to go to the store or be there. And so just looking for those opportunities that best serve you and where you get the most bang for your books. Cause what you don't wanna do is pay for publishing, pay for somebody to push the book, pray you have sales, and then now you've over exhausted yourself and your resources hoping right, that there is a sale.

Victoria: And then there's still no learning curve in that. So when you write your next book, you know, Hey, I'm gonna need X amount of thousand to pray that somebody else pushes my vision for me. And [00:21:00] so in this season, definitely wanna make sure that I'm the one to push my own baby and deliver. My own baby into this world.

Victoria: Wow. That's actually, 

Destiny: that's wonderful for one. And there's so many, so many nuggets in that one about being realistic with starting now and really kind of making a plan. Like, okay, what's all the free things and what's all the little money I could put to aside to, to side, to fund it? Cause when people think of publishing, it's just like, it's gonna happen.

Destiny: Not really. It's gonna, it's gonna take some, it's gonna take some sweat. Equity to be equal to that and then not being, you did kind, it made me sound like you're saying not be ashamed of money. Cause like you need money for the mission. Like missions, people ask for money all the time because to do what they need to do, it requires the tool of money.

Destiny: Doesn't like, doesn't make you money hungry. Does it make you [00:22:00] an evil person? Cause everybody needs 

Victoria: money. Yes. For sure. And so it's your book, it's Your Baby, and it's for God, definitely. And I would say is his book. And he just allowed me to put my face on there against my will and my name on it, but it's his book.

Victoria: But at the same time, you know, that's what I do. It's, it's who I am. That's who I was meant to be. And so I believe that purpose will always connect with resources and income as well. Because if I say, Hey, the Lord wants me to design shoes, you wouldn't expect for me to open up my trunk and just hand you a bag with shoes in it.

Victoria: And so seeing the value in yourself as well in your work is important. You know, I'm not here, you know, to take, take tape, but it's definitely a transaction. And like you said before, the tears and the pain and the healing that comes with my book is definitely there. And so that means something and it's valuable.

Victoria: And if you don't see it as valuable, no one [00:23:00] else will. 

Destiny: Most definitely. So now we've kinda talked about one of the things of publishing is getting ready for new authors. 

Victoria: Now let's talk about the, the, the book in 

Destiny: the room. So one of my biggest questions, cause it's you give a lot of nuggets in the book and just things to think about and one of the things that got me was, what are purpose killers?

Destiny: What do you 

Victoria: mean by that? Yes. And so purpose killers can be anybody, even your dog at times. Cause I swear when writing my book, I had to put my dogs outside cause they were in the way. And so a purpose killer is just anybody who openly speaks against what you're doing your capabilities and sometimes just sharing their opinion.

Victoria: I feel, you know, we know that there's power in the tongue, right? And oftentimes, and even I, at different times, we have tendency to just talk without thinking. And so when writing my book, I [00:24:00] realized that. I couldn't express really to really anyone my thoughts, what I was doing, you know, the direction the Lord had me in or where I was going.

Victoria: Cause even sometimes, not on purpose, people will say words and sometimes it'll start doubt or create more fear. And so, even like you said with the write and everybody, you know, might not be a writer. You might not know any people. And so even with writing things, something as simple as in, Hey, you're doing that, but why is it necessary?

Victoria: You know, you said you didn't wanna do it. I don't think God would want you to write that. You know, or even how I would talk to myself sometimes I had to rebuke myself and get myself in check. Cause the first thing I would tell people is, or how I'm gonna write a book I can't spell, you know, I can't do this and I can't do that.

Victoria: And so I think that it's very important when writing your book to just let, let it be a secret. It's okay. [00:25:00] Even during the writing process, like nobody got like my drafts, I wasn't like, Hey, how do you feel about this? Or what do you think about that? And just making sure that you are, you know, protecting what you have and covering it because it is a purpose, right?

Victoria: You are doing it for a reason. So your why is really important, and when you show off your thoughts and your work too soon, you leave the door open for people to come in and convince you that it's not as good as you thought that you're not doing it right, that you're not qualified, or that there's no point.

Victoria: And sometimes those things can be subtle and sometimes they can be huge. And so I think it's important to kinda shield yourself from that. And so instead of having to hope and pray that everybody has the best intentions, I'm just gonna keep this for myself. And when I'm done with it, you can buy it and then you can read it and then your opinions won't [00:26:00] sway or change anything about it because it's done.

Victoria: Mm, 

Destiny: that's, that's true. I, I've had that as well where I'm writing and I'm like, you know, cause you're so excited, like, I'm doing this thing, like I'm doing the secret agent and I'm doing 

Victoria: it and maybe too soon you show it 

Destiny: off 

Victoria: and. 

Destiny: Little, you know, you could do this, you know, and it really does crush your creativity because I feel like when you write anything and then you're gonna put out in the public eye, that's a piece of your soul and no one likes to expose themselves and then be rejected as well.

Destiny: So that's really that's really good advice right there. It's just kind of when you're writing to keep it almost on video, keep it there and keep it with you. Nurture it so that, and kind care for it. So maybe when it's ready to be published, it's standing on its own two 

Victoria: feet. Exactly. And so, like I mentioned earlier, even the delivery and pushing forth [00:27:00] things in this season, the same with babies, you know?

Victoria: That birthing room is very limited. And even when you have a baby, you know it's not coming, or not necessarily the best, be like, Hey, you know, I had a baby seven days ago. Let me take 'em to Publix and show 'em to the people over the counter. You know, it's a time to present and it's a time to, like you said, nurture and just keep it home and it's for the safety and just to protect what you have.

Victoria: And so I think that's the perfect example. When you give birth, you know, you don't take the baby out to the world the next day. And so there is a time and a period where you just sit back and, Hey, it's just gonna be us for a while until you're strong enough and you can handle until it's the time to present.

Victoria: And so I think just having wisdom and that will make the writing process so much easier and make it more likely for you to succeed and finish. That's, that's 

Destiny: really good. That's just. Hope [00:28:00] everyone's hearing that those are mom, those are nuggets right there some gems because I think creative souls have the tendency to be a little more sensitive and it's not a bad thing that God uses creativity and our humanity to do his work.

Destiny: So that's okay. But then you gotta guard yourself. You gotta keep yourself safe. Gotta keep everything going. So one of my questions is, so how do you, so I know you mentioned earlier in your book about being in a routine of worship, and so my question was, how has your perception of God been affected when you're out of this now that you're outta this routine?

Destiny: How has that changed? 

Victoria: Yeah, so not being in a routine is great cause then you're able to flow and when it's not an obligation or just some a box, you're checking off, you're able to have intimacy. And so even as described in the book, and I feel like it's the best way. I can see is that I stopped [00:29:00] casually dating God.

Victoria: Right? I stopped with the, Hey, you know, we're acquainted and I'll see you next Tuesday. You know, thanks for coming over, but I'm gonna need you to head out now. And so now that we're out of that routine, it's more of a relationship. It's more of, you know, God says if you suck with him, he'll suck with you.

Victoria: And so we're able to talk, I havet limit him mm-hmm. In his time and in his access to me. And that's what routines are, is for, to, Hey, make sure I get this done. We're knocking it off. And so when changing that, it allows the Lord to flow and you have more access to him and he has more access to you. And so I never want our relationship again to be.

Victoria: Something I do like brushing my teeth, you know, like wake up in the morning, Hey, that's what you're supposed to do. You get it done and you go on with your day. Later in the day, you're not like, Ooh, I brushed my teeth earlier and it felt this way, or it was such a beautiful moment. It's just something you do and get over with.

Victoria: And so I feel like when we get in a [00:30:00] routine and we get in religion our moments where God are like brushing our teeth and they're very insignificant. And so when we get out of that, you're able to have not just a good life or a great day, you know, you're able to have the abundant life that he wants to give us.

Destiny: That's true. And that's that what your book, you almost, I was like, I felt like you were like all up and in my life, my business, but the idea of just a routine of God, because you lot of people say you need to, especially in church, it's like you need to be doing this this time in the morning. You be doing it all day long, then you give back here, you gotta go ahead and read a bible at the end of the day.

Destiny: So it feels. Like you need, they, they give you a routine. Mm-hmm. Like this morning, something in the middle of the day and at night. And so by default I think that's where we settle. But as for me, I know time has gone on. I'm like, I just need, I said, this is not working for me. Cuz it feels like a routine.

Destiny: You always, somehow you end up failing. You miss a [00:31:00] day, you miss two days and you're just still stumbling. It's like you never wanna pick it back up. Cause I feel like routines have been built for failure where if you have a, as you were saying, relationship, it's just easier. Like, Hey God, I think sometimes we guard God, like God's in this little box right here and I can only open it once a day to come to let him out.

Destiny: And that's not how, it's, it's maybe, maybe, I think people don't understand how realistic God is, or as if you, maybe you read the passage and then maybe after that you listen to a. It's still in 

Victoria: the flow. Yes, yes. I definitely agree with you. And people do, they're like, Hey, it should be like this and it should be like that and you'll miss out.

Victoria: Cause you know, you sit with the Lord at 10 o'clock today, he might want you to sit with him at three o'clock and that might be a moment you never had. But if you're not open to [00:32:00] it, you know, you don't remember, even though you, as you were speaking, cause I'm a image girl. So that's just how I see. That's how I talk.

Victoria: That's what I like, pictures. So I was just like, okay, when you're just like, Ooh, breath. You know, it's just thinking about it like it's food. Cause you know you're supposed to eat the Lord. It's just like, okay, well if you're used to having breakfast at this time, lunch at this time, dinner at this time, you know, you might not remember what you had two weeks from today when you were doing that, but you'll remember Thanksgiving last year or the year before because in that moment it was a flow.

Victoria: In that moment you were more so, hey. Let me be intentional. I wanna be here. Don't nobody on Thanksgiving wake up at nine o'clock and just like, ok, it's breakfast time. Most often if you anything like my folks, you're gonna wear your scratchy pants and you're gonna wait throughout the day cause you're in anticipation for how the day is gonna go.

Victoria: And we remember that way better than we can say, Hey, three weeks ago I had an Eggo waffle [00:33:00] maybe. I don't know. Cause it's nothing worth remembering. And so I think about that with our relationship with Christ. I said, 

Destiny: that's that's good right there. Cause I never my breakfast, I know. I just knew I ate. I wasn't starving.

Destiny: So also like my other question was, so how do you feel young girls should be taught to be strong leaders? Because you mentioned, cause I feel like all the people wave their hand. All the oldest can wave their hand in air that you get, you are given. You're not like, you know, it's not, it's not, you don't feel as a gift.

Destiny: You are given, like, here you go, the responsibility to look over siblings, to be head, come, be the head of household, have responsibility, and you just, and you just kind of bump along. You never let anyone know, yout 

Victoria: know what you were doing. No. You cannot show fear, you know, that it's not the time. And so definitely I agree with being the oldest [00:34:00] and just being a woman, just anyway.

Victoria: There are a lot of responsibilities and like you said, you know, they say it's a gift, but it don't feel like a gift, you know, it feels more like a burden, unfortunately depending on how it's done. And so just being thrown out there, it's just like, Hey, you have all these eyes looking at you and these people wanna know what to do, how to do it, how you gonna get it done?

Victoria: And just the fear of like not failing. You know, and so even like I mentioned throughout my book, I was told all the time like, you are a role model. You are the example, you are all these things. And which was super hard for me cause I'm like, okay, what is that? What does that look like? What's the blueprint for that?

Victoria: You know? No. Oftentimes people don't teach you what they feel like you should be because they assume that you just are. And so coming into a world where you have all these expectations and you don't wanna fail anybody cuz [00:35:00] you genuinely wanna be the best you cuz somebody told you that's who you were or who you were supposed to be, it can be very hard.

Victoria: And so that was something I struggled with even up until adulthood trying to figure out, okay, I was told that I'm all these things. Nobody told me how I should execute them or taught me what it should look like or what it should be, but I am told when I fail, And I am told when I don't get it right and I am told when it's off and it needs to be better, but nobody tells me how to get to the better.

Victoria: And so that can be very frustrated in children's lives and even as adults, especially women, where you feel this responsibility and your're supposed to be all these things, especially to your siblings. Cause it's like, okay, well you're a woman. One day you're supposed to be a mom. You should know how to nurture them.

Victoria: You should know how to care for them. You're a girl, you should know how to cook. Take the meat out the freezer, make something, you know, make something shape, make it work. [00:36:00] And so I feel like you're bought into this life and it's like, Hey, here's your Barbie doll and here's your, you know, your toy kitchen.

Victoria: You got 30 minutes to figure it out because we don't need that fake chicken to turn into a rotisserie chicken by the time I get back. And I feel like it definitely sets us up for failure. When it's all these expectations but it's not taught how to handle it or how to do it or when you don't have an example of what that looks like.

Victoria: But I'm not even sure that example would help because then you're just growing up how to learn how to be somebody else. And so I think it's important that not just, hey, choose whatever you wanna be, but that we're in communication with God, with who we need to be as well as our parents. Cause you know, you have to train the child in a way that should go.

Victoria: And so before you tell me who I am, God should tell you who I am. So that when you're giving me information, that you're giving me the correct [00:37:00] information. And if you're trying to teach me something, you're teaching me in the way that God desires me to learn it because he knows me better than anybody.

Victoria: And I think oftentimes that's missed, like I think that. People have things that they need. They have jobs that need to be done. Parents have a lot of tasks, especially when you have a lot of kids that need to be taken care of. And so it's like, Hey, you're second in command. And oftentimes we find ourselves trying to complete and fulfill the lives of other people because they don't have the time or the space to do so.

Victoria: Mm. Deep, deep right 

Destiny: there. And so really kinda open that up. It's like really trying to have a relationship rooted in communication. Cause I feel like that's, that's kind of, I feel like that may be the root of a lot of problems. Cause you feel, yeah. You feel afraid to tell them like, Hey, I have no idea what you're doing and I have no idea what to do, but then you've already told me you expect.[00:38:00] 

Destiny: Mm-hmm. So then it feels down my communication because now. Well, I, I said I gotta go ahead, dig up in my brain that's not there. Something to know, like, to do what you want me to do. Yeah. And that's why like, maybe my one thing growing up was to stare real hard, like in the kitchen I was sit in the corner watching my grandmother's and like, while I'm cooking the stair come.

Destiny: Cause I knew when they were done cooking or when they were done and they made what they were gonna make that if it ran out. And I had my younger si younger cousins that I didn't have no, at least have an idea, know what to do to make something, to feed them when they were away. So it really was not really communication.

Destiny: It was like, it wasn't until my, I feel like for me, my adult life when I was older, that I felt comfortable just ask like, Hey grandma, how. You know, cause they weren't gonna beat me up by 

Victoria: this time. I hope. [00:39:00] Feel like you age down on that point where they could be like, I'm so disappointed with you. And it does take a while and it does transfer into adulthood and it affects how we communicate with other people that are not even, you know, in that way, anybody in authority, anybody we connect with.

Victoria: And so it's just like, hey, eventually there's better. But when, unfortunately, it's something that lasts a while for most of us. So we do get the point. We feel like, oh, we got too big or we aged out. So you know, the backlash for what I'm about to say might not be as severe. And I'm older now and I can take it better.

Victoria: So now I can tell you, and we don't have that when we're younger, which leaves you like in a life of fear and just scared or like, Hey, if I say anything, The earth might crumble. You know, somebody might drop dead in here if I just say, Hey, I need help, because it's not an [00:40:00] option. It doesn't seem like at that point 

Destiny: that's true.

Destiny: And really it's kind of like, it's really starting young as talking to our spirits. Cause I, I, I just think personally, black women are just, all black women just are great leaders. Point blank period. I just think that's, that's the case. But I think where, where, where may fall short is how we nurture that in that child.

Destiny: What do you say to her to help her build her up and knowing that it's a safe place? Because if it's long things going on, I know for me, my childhood wasn't safe. This what? Right now, like I just take. And try to make this into gold, whatever this is. Mm-hmm. That type of thing. So I would think so. I feel like you're saying with these young girls that communication is needed.

Destiny: It is. Okay. Like failure is okay. It's part of life. 

Victoria: Definitely. [00:41:00] 

Destiny: That's, so any, any young girls out there? Failure is okay. Is okay. No one gets outta life without messing up 

Victoria: at all. No. And to not know is okay. Mm-hmm. You come in this earth not knowing a lot of things. Everything is to be learned and to be taught and to not know.

Victoria: It doesn't mean to fail or to be broken if you don't know. That's OK. Facts right there. 

Destiny: So what, so I, my question is, since you were talking about, you have a chapter in here about the silence. Mm-hmm. And what do you think is the root of women being silenced? Where 

Victoria: do you think that comes from? Yes. And so I think just with silence a big part of it, like we talked about, the responsibilities that come with things.

Victoria: You know, you wanna be there, you wanna nurture, you wanna help. And so it was hard to open my mouth to say, Hey, I don't know how to do those things as well as in knowing that, hey, it seems like I was [00:42:00] born and birthed into all this authority, right? All this power and all this responsibility. And not only do I not know what I'm doing, if I tell you I don't, even if you're not mad, that kind of leaves you missing something.

Victoria: And so the fear too, of nega negatively impacting those around me, like, you know, I'm not feeling my best today, but you need me to show up for you how you need me to show up. And so that will affect you. I don't wanna be the reason you're not having a good day. I don't wanna be the reason why things aren't going perfect or mess anything up.

Victoria: And so I think that makes it easy to be quiet. So it's a lot easier to suffer in silence it seems, than to say anything that will make other people suffer around you. Or if you feel like you're lacking, you don't wanna, you know, reflect that on anybody else. So I think it comes a lot more natural than we would say.

Victoria: And [00:43:00] even, you know, as girls, you're always like, you have to be ladylike. You don't wanna be loud, you don't wanna be extra, you don't wanna be emotional, you definitely don't wanna be angry. You don't wanna be these things. And so there's so many stereotypes and there's so much stuff out there and it's just like, okay.

Victoria: I'm trying to represent myself the way everybody wants me to. And if I do this wrong, like you know the weight that that's gonna carry or are people gonna hear me? Or are you just gonna see what you heard about or what you already assumed? You know, am I being emotional today cause I'm on my period yet and girls are just so dramatic at this time of the month.

Victoria: Or is it something in my soul that's seriously lacking and I need help? And so it's a trust thing as well, like not being able to really trust those around you to know you well enough. Cause if they knew, you know, knew you the way you would like, they would know that the responsibility and how they're going about things is not right.[00:44:00] 

Victoria: And so just not having that support to where I can trust my thoughts, opinions, and my feelings with you. It's not a safe space for me to let you know that. Cause it's gonna impact you and it's also gonna impact me, and we're all gonna be miserable. And so just taking it up as like a sacrifice, like I'm the leader, I'm responsible.

Victoria: And so if somebody's gonna hurt here, I've already started, so I'll finish by myself. That's 

Destiny: true. That's so I understand that. It's easier to suffer aside, but you su you still suffer. And it takes, it takes a lot, a bit about of courage to say like, Hey, this is what happened. And then be okay with the consequences, whether good or bad, whether this grandma says, oh, okay baby, that's all right, da da.

Victoria: Or you get, maybe the aunt was like, how do you not know? Yeah. That type of thing. Cause you tell out, you never know which one you're gonna get. You don't, and it's always a 50 50 chance. And once you have too many of those [00:45:00] experiences, it's like the percentage goes up. So it's like, if I seen this kind of reaction, The first time and the second time now it doesn't seem 50 50.

Victoria: To me it's like a 90% chance that this is what's gonna happen. And so you also try to control, it calls a controlling issue. You try to control your experiences by getting ahead of them. So I noticed that was something I would do. Like, I would try to overthink and think out situations like, okay, I'm gonna say this, this happened last time that happened.

Victoria: So I would come up with my own outcomes. And so to me I thought it was strategy just like, okay, I know how this is gonna go, so I'm gonna, you know, avoid, avoid this and do it this way. And it did not serve me, but that was the solution that I came up with at the time. Mm. So 

Destiny: this is really kinda feels like first a woman just to kinda really know who you are and just keeping a safe atmosphere, which can help with.

Destiny: Being able to [00:46:00] talk and say what needs to go, what's happening, and not to be, not to be silence when things really, really do happen or when you really need the information to do the next thing, instead of searching out, cuz now I can't talk to you. Now I may be search out for it, which could lead me a number of two ways.

Destiny: Some is some not so good. 

Victoria: Yes. So with 

Destiny: with that, if I leave led more than one, two ways, what, when something traumatic happens, what do you believe are the steps to kinda kinda break those down and get outta trauma? 

Victoria: Yeah, so I think when something traumatic happens the steps are different depending on who you are, as well as the age too.

Victoria: I think at some points, unfortunately the mindset is not there. Especially at the ages for a lot of trauma that I've experienced. I didn't have the [00:47:00] experience or the wisdom and the maturity at the time to get out of those things. So I think the biggest way to help with trauma, especially when we're talking about children, right at that point, is that we can't wait to react to things like we have to be more proactive.

Victoria: I feel like there needs to be conversations before there needs to make sure that there's a safe space out there before, I think oftentimes we try to work backwards, like, oh, all these things have happened. These things have taken place, so how can we fix it and get out? Well? And in some cases that's gonna be there, but I feel like it's way more proactive if we think beforehand.

Victoria: And so the best example I can think of, like if it's a fire in your house, No, we hear that a lot as children. Not really much since being children, but the firefighters tell you you need a plan. You need a plan. Before you smell the smoke, before you see the flame, you have to have a plan. And I feel like we live in a society now where everybody's so [00:48:00] busy and we have so much going on, or we assume things will never happen to us and they can never be us to where we wake up and we're having to fight fires instead of having a plan for before the smoke.

Victoria: You know, everything is beeping, but we're not alert and we're not alarmed because, you know, that doesn't happen to me and that doesn't happen in my family. And it's kind of the sense of denial that we feel like we're untouchable, which I've experienced even in my family. Like, you know, this can never be us.

Victoria: And that is what just alarms us. And so when things happen, we always have to figure out the aftermath. Which is hard now if you find your situ yourself in a situation where you're having to deal with the after, which is what the book is about. Cause a lot of things I have to take after I make decisions, cuz there's always an after.

Victoria: Making sure that even if you can't create that safe space that you reach out. Like I said, it's never bad to ask for help. [00:49:00] Therapy does wonders. I know in the Christian community, a lot of people are like, Ooh, let's go to therapy. A lot of people's like, call Jesus on the main line, you don't need it. But everybody's different.

Victoria: You know, I've had to call on Jesus and it's things that people who have never and will never be able to do for me that only guy has done. But at the same time, he also sent me to people, was like, Hey, you're gonna go to therapy for the next six, seven months and you gonna keep going? And you know, it's different ways to do things.

Victoria: So being open to therapy, being open to talking to people, making sure that there's not a pride level there where, hey, this happened, we're embarrassed. So we're just gonna act like it didn't happen. No, somebody should know Everybody, especially in the Christian community, like to talk about, I love my pastor.

Victoria: We go here, there and you know, we do this at the church. Take your children there and not just to go with you to wear matching outfits and to sit there, but making sure that they're hands on, making sure they have outlets for people to talk to. Cause even if [00:50:00] though, you know, cause like they say it takes a village and sometimes I might not wanna discuss this with my mom, but you know, sitting at church, I might sit there and talk to.

Victoria: So making sure that we create outlets to not be so closed off, to not be selfish, to not live in denial, to not think that we're untouchable, but making sure that those things are set up and in place. Because what will it hurt whether there's trauma or not? What will it hurt? Having a group of people who love your children or who love you around you and in place who wanna help you, like there's, they can never be too much help.

Victoria: And I think that's hard for people. A lot of times we feel like we gotta in-house, we don't need this. We can take care of our own kids. And that kinda mentality leaves a lot of children left without the resources that they could have if the pride wasn't in the way. 

Destiny: Most definitely. That's right. A really great outline of just making it [00:51:00] of community and a culture of 

Victoria: help.

Destiny: Because I can totally agree that even for adults being okay to talk about it, finding other people and not being ashamed if it's not in the family, that's a very big thing for a lot of people. That is like, it's not my, no, it's, they're not in my family so I can talk to them. Yeah, you can, like you, it's, if it's not, if it's nowhere in the house, God provides any way he can, whether it's in the house or out the house to help, to help with that.

Destiny: Especially with trauma comes. That's, I like that idea of having a plan. Cause I know in school everyone knows you have, for some areas, you know, you had three things. You had a fire drill, had a nail drill, had a weather drill, you had them all year round, no matter what, just, you always had to rehearse it in the event it ever happened.

Destiny: And maybe one year it never happened. Remember the year after next all three of them happened. But [00:52:00] So you believe you had an idea what to do? You didn't just walk, run around the run around the room, 

Victoria: like, I dunno what to do. Freaking the building is gone and now you just outside dunno what to do. Yeah, it's important.

Victoria: It's important. Right. 

Destiny: And I think people have, parents have a lot of parents and people in general have the fear of if I talk about it, it's gonna happen. Or if I see more it's gonna be, make it worse. And I've come from the fact, from being in therapy that it makes it better. It hurts at first. It, it's just like when you work out it hurts a lot.

Destiny: But as you continue to do it, it gets better and you and un unravels. And it makes you like realize that the problem that you made 10 feet tall was actually only one inch. Mm-hmm. But you would never got there if you hadn't been willing to take those first steps. So that's some, that's some great nuggets right there that talking about it helps.

Destiny: It doesn't [00:53:00] mm-hmm. Doesn't hurt 

Victoria: it. Yep. Shades of light and it has to be light there. Cause when you talk about silence, when you talk about darkness and trauma, those things thrive in the dark. And like just, if I never hear the phrase what happens in this house stays in this house, again, I can't express how much joy that would bring me.

Victoria: Like I pray to never hear that again. It doesn't, doesn't benefit anybody. It's just a breeding ground for secrets and for silence and just for darkness. And so whenever you shed the light on something and you call it out, that helps. So rather before or after, shed the light and get help. Cause I'd rather everybody know and I be healed than nobody know what I'm dealing with and I suffer.

Victoria: Mm-hmm. That's. 

Destiny: What suffering signs You had mentioned in your book that putting your down, putting down your identity is putting down your birthright and authority. Mm-hmm. So could you kinda unpack that a little bit? Like what do you [00:54:00] kind of mean by that? 

Victoria: Yes. And so, you know, God gives us authority and he gives us access to all these things.

Victoria: And so we're, we're walking around not knowing who we are and whose we are. You're giving up so many benefits, right? You're giving up so many perks. There's so much that you can have in life that you simply don't have. And so the Lord gives us keys to the kingdom. And so when I think about that, like if the Lord hands you a key and you say, Hey, it's the key you gonna use to get in your house.

Victoria: You gonna get in your car, you gonna get at all these places, you gonna get in the job, you gonna have everything you need to have, you gonna have the key to your joy, to your peace, to your health. You wouldn't just walk around and throw that key in the air and just walk away and say, Hey, You know, I'm feeling good.

Victoria: I don't need it. Because then you lose access to things and everything becomes harder. And now you know you're looking for happiness instead of joy, cuz that's dependent on somebody. Now you're begging and working at jobs where you barely make [00:55:00] anything. When Laura would've had you working over here where you have a surplus, you know, now you're living in the studio, which is nothing wrong with that space, but it's all about what he desires to give us.

Victoria: But I never, at a point in my life, again, wanna live in a studio where God desires me to have a six bedroom, if you know what I mean. And so that's what I think about when we talk about that access. 

Destiny: So that's really good. Having access and being okay with walking in who you are and accessing all the gifts and talents that God's giving.

Destiny: That's really good. That's just a lot. Is such a, Huge. It's just a significant topic. And children generally don't have their own for a while and it takes a lot of the parent and the people that community around them to help help them find their own. Which my next question was what do [00:56:00] you think people have?

Destiny: So sorry, what? Why do you think, really the question is, why do you think people have a tendency to mold themselves and not wait for God? Cause you talked a little bit about trying to make 

Victoria: yourself into something else. Yes. And so, cause I feel like it's a rush. You know, we got responsibilities, life is coming, things are happening.

Victoria: You're meeting new people, you know you got school, you got so much going on. And so that's why identity is so important. And it's not something that can be weighted on because everywhere you go, your identity is how you represent. You have to represent yourself everywhere you go. And so when you haven't been introduced to your identity and you're going places where you have to introduce yourself, you have to come up with something, right?

Victoria: And so we get forced in this season where we're like, okay, you look around, you're making observations, and you're like, okay, what do I need? What do others have? [00:57:00] What do I like? What do I want? And it becomes a factory, you know, kinda like build a bear, but you're trying to build yourself. And so you're taking pieces from everything you're seeing and for everyone around you, and you're just like, okay, how will this suit me?

Victoria: Cause remember, you are the oldest. You are, you are a leader, you are all these things. And so you have these titles but no characteristics yet. You have no way how to execute. And so you come up in your own mind what that looks like. And sometimes we let other people tell us what that looks like. Hey, leaders talk.

Victoria: They speak up for people. So rather you know the words or not, you form some kinda word cause you know you have to say something. And so we start to hear all this information and it kind of goes in and it processes. And then we come up with this kind version of ourselves, right? Counterfeit version of ourselves.

Victoria: And then as we continue to go on whatever's needed, I know that's what I did, kinda like an upgrade. [00:58:00] So I was kinda like the iPhone before the iPhone came. So it's like, okay, we assess this and we assess that this needs to be worked out. This needs to be put in. And so you upgrade yourself and you upgrade yourself.

Victoria: And then, you know, before you know it, you're the terminator. Dunno how you got there. But you know, hey, this is what I need to be to be successful. This is what I need to be for everybody else. And you're a robot, you know, built up all these different parts that either people gave you or that you found.

Victoria: And so now your heart is filled with, you know, sorrow and.

Destiny: That's, that is true. It feels like you, especially, I think, I dunno, maybe, I dunno. Ask, ask the younger child, the youngest 

Destiny: to see what they feel like. But the oldest feel needs it all 

Destiny: when you're just like, that's, you have to be, feel like you won't have to become what's needed. [00:59:00] And never, I guess. Right.

Destiny: Never have time to really figure out what's, what's your strength? Am I actually 

Destiny: an extrovert? Am I or am 

Destiny: I introvert? And so now this is an extra push for me to do this. Yes. Like those are considerate, like there's considerate, like extroverts are wanted in leaders and there's no such thing as an introvert leader, but there is.

Destiny: Mm-hmm. You know, and you just don't know about until you start to learn and to grow and to be okay with saying that's, that's not me. And it takes, it's cause once you upgrade, upgrade, upgrade. And sometimes when she said We don't take upgrades that we don't 

Destiny: need. 

Destiny: And so how then we have to find a way to not really downgrade, but to be more true to, to the home model.

Destiny: Like this is, this is like if you had iPhone with out box and this other box is out box and then all this [01:00:00] stuff you add to your iPhone, it's still, you can talk to it. It just makes it more difficult. Where if you took it all off and got back to the core of 

Victoria: the phone, it's easier to 

Destiny: use and aid to make work.

Destiny: And that's where I'm like, so this is where we learn with our parents and our community as we're going through life. Cause the life doesn't stop to be able to take time. And I know from one, you talk about resting the Lord and understanding to how do you, how do you rest when it feels like things are going?

Destiny: 80 to 100. Finding a way to slow it down and make sense of it. Cause I feel like the enemy could make easy, makes it easy to make it jumbled. So there's no sense understanding. 

Victoria: Yes. Confusion. Confusion. Know it's not like the Lord, but yeah. Just resting first. It just starts with a decision. Right. I feel like sometimes we overcomplicate things cuz we're [01:01:00] already confused and we're just like, what could it be?

Victoria: And you know, everything has to be so complex all the time. But rest is a decision. It's a decision to show up and say, okay Lord, this is where I'm at. Like, don't sugar coat. It just, just, this is where I'm at. This is why I'm overwhelmed. I need help here. I can't do nothing with this. So I really need your help.

Victoria: And like I said, it's really having to take a step back from pride in order to successfully do these things. Because if you have pride, you don't know you need help or you can't ask. So, hey, I need help resting, or even being taught what that is. I need you to teach me what rest is. And so just even in this process of my life, knowing that rest is not necessarily a nap or break, you know, or you know, Hey, I'm just gonna do nothing for three weeks.

Victoria: Sometimes that's not what my rest is. Sometimes my rest is a no. You know, you ask me for this and [01:02:00] no, I can't do that. Sometimes my rest is, Hey, come sit and talk with me for a second. We're gonna talk for these few moments. I'm gonna give you what you need. We gonna boost you back up and we gonna send you back out there.

Victoria: Sometimes the rest is a stop. And so having the wisdom to know that. Exactly what I need and what I want is founding God and not trying to figure it out for yourselves. And so the Lord takes a lot of that weight off cuz he says, come to me, I give you the cheat code and I'll let you know. But oftentimes we feel like, especially when you used to struggle and you used to trauma, I know that was hard for me with those things and I used to receive it.

Victoria: It was so hard when God would gimme anything or tell me to do things, I felt like were too simple because I should suffer for this. You know, I didn't cry enough for this. You know, I didn't ask you enough. I didn't wait long enough. You know, you answered me too quickly. And so we get used to this mindset that everything has to [01:03:00] come hard and the Lord wants everything to be difficult and everything is a sad story and a sad song.

Victoria: And it's so even. And the confusion just go back. And I think oftentimes we'll be surprised at how easy it's when we are available to it and when we ask, a lot of times we don't have rest. Cause you really don't want it. You feel like you're Wonder Woman and you're super woman and you can take care of it.

Victoria: You feel like if you think about it on a different, a different way, you'll figure it out. You remember the times that you made it happen before. Cause I make things happen. And so you don't want rest. You acknowledge that you're tired cuz you can feel it, but you don't wanna rest because you're in the mode of doing you.

Victoria: And so you have to choose to stop doing you. And you have to choose to submit in order to get rest. Cause if not, you're just taking a break from doing you so you can come back after your lunch to continue to do you. And there's a big difference in that. [01:04:00] So not the lunch break. Lunch break, 

Destiny: but that's, that's really good.

Destiny: Understanding rest is necessary, but it's different forms of rest. I feel like everyone doesn't understand, like real rest is not just saying, not just not doing anything. Cause you can still be going, but you're still, I think for me, having like even in my going, there's peace in it that gets to be used to rest.

Destiny: So now my mind's not so jumbled. It's like, this is gonna work out. It may not have did what, how it look, how I want to look like, but it is going have to work out because that God's gives us, he's given us authority and dominion, so. Mm-hmm. And then when we speak, we have the power to help shift the atmosphere when we speak his word.

Destiny: So that is really, that's really empowering, understanding. That's how you chill out and understanding that yours can look different. But hopefully at the end the experience [01:05:00] still is better than when you 

Victoria: started. Yeah. Thinking you shall find, if you really want it, you'll find it. He'll show it to you. But you have to want it not just on words, but sincerely.

Destiny: So that's where that gotta be available and willing. Cause 

Victoria: you want the willing vessel. You don't want trust anybody who I want help. Like do you want rest? And how the Lord wants you to do it or do you need, you know him to give you that five hour energy so you can keep doing what you wanna do. And so it's a difference, 

Destiny: right?

Destiny: Cuz even you, cuz even Jesus slept in storms. When disciples gonna 

Victoria: cross your lake, it was asleep. He was the only one asleep. Deep sleep up. That's all.

Destiny: That's true. And so even talk about storms, how do you feel? How do you learn 

Victoria: from your storms? Yes. And so and definitely this book is a book of storms. [01:06:00] If I could, you know, see it any other way. And I felt like it was a whole bunch of loss that I took. It was just LS everywhere. And so the Lord did for me.

Victoria: He transferred my loss to learning lessons and so I never lost anything. And so even in the storm it came and it did its thing and it tore down a lot of stuff and it destroyed a lot of things from, you know, for me. And it took a lot of things from me. But the storm is over now and I'm still here. And so what I learned through my storm is no matter how hard it rains, no matter how dark it looks, when it's over with, because of the God I serve, I'll still be here.

Victoria: And so you can switch the weather and you can change the temperature, you can do all those things, but I am firmly rooted and I'm firmly planted. And so no matter what comes and how the winds blow, I will still be here. And so he's shown me that without the shadow of a doubt, so no matter when things, how things are looking, [01:07:00] I've learned that when I look around and what I see, what's around me, I know even though it affects what's going on around me, it doesn't have to affect me.

Victoria: And so that's what I learned the most through my storms, that I'm still here. And so they kept coming. But that gives me confidence too, and that gives me assurance that the Lord has the final say. So when it comes to me, and he never leaves me out to just let anything happen to me because it all happened.

Victoria: But still, I can't say that it happened to me. I can only say that it happened for me. And so at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. Right. 

Destiny: That that's true. Cause I, in your book you have, you had, so there's so many gems, this book. And when you read you need to take a read of it. Cause one of the things you said that, plus we know God, is his, his fruits are love, peace, all those things.

Destiny: And you mentioned that you had, you knew that you didn't learn your lesson cuz you got [01:08:00] bitterness at the end instead of the fruits that God had, which is usually peace and love and kindness. And so that can also, that can kinda be our, I guess our thermostat or our tester. That when we go through something, if at the end there's a bit, there's some, a little bit of rude business, you may not have learned something, you may need to go back to God and say, Hey this don't feel right, this don't feel like you so either so I'm wrong still somewhere in there.

Destiny: Or you gonna have to do 

Victoria: something. Yep. And trust and believe he does not leave you that way. So whether you realize it or not, It's coming back. It was a lot of things I kept walking away from like, oh, that's over with, that's done. And the Lord will circle back. He does not forget and he does not leave us broken.

Victoria: And bitterness is brokenness and it's not abundant life. And there's no way to live. I did not recommend it to anybody. I did it for so long. I promise you. I did it everywhere I could. And it, it is not the breeding ground for success and happiness and joy. And he does not [01:09:00] leave us that way. God loves, loves you too much for you to be bitter and broken.

Victoria: And so he will come back. Now, he's a gentleman. He's not gonna force it on you. So if you wanna stay bitter a little while longer, he'll let you. But then he will come back and then he will come back. And so we just thank the Lord for his grace and mercy that he cares. He loves you enough to come back. And so you keep saying no, but it doesn't stop him from asking.

Victoria: But be careful with that. Cause at some point, we all do run out of grace. And so you wanna make sure you're on the right side of that. That's true. 

Destiny: My biggest thing is says, so you talked about also in your book, how does someone say Yes to God? Cause it feels like times Life has said no to everything else.

Destiny: But then how do you can have the courage to say yes to God? Like, here, help me out. I I need it 

Victoria: all. Yes. And so I think the biggest thing just even with the gospel, everything is knowing that God loved us first. He [01:10:00] did all the work first. So God doesn't tell you, Hey, take my hand and say yes to me, and then you'll see everything I have for you or you'll see things I can do for you.

Victoria: Right. He presents it backwards. He gives you all the things first, and then he lets you decide if you wanna be a part of it and partake of it. And so when saying your yes to God, the best part about it to me that I'll never get over and that just rings in my soul, is that he said yes to me first.

Victoria: Mm-hmm. Right. So, you know, he offered this to me, knowing, me, knowing what I had been through, knowing my lows, knowing my highs, lowering me on my worst day. And Lord, it was a lot of worst days, you know? And that's who he said yes to and that's who he extended his mercy and grace to. And so I think when we come into the knowledge of that and when we believe, you know, like, hey, not understanding cause to know something and to understand is different.

Victoria: And so we don't lean on our understanding. And [01:11:00] if you spend time waiting to say yes to God to understand, you'll never get around to it cuz we'll never be able to comprehend. But when we know what he said before us, like when I knew and I looked back and I said, Hey, even before the healing, cuz my Yes came before I wrote the book, right?

Victoria: So even after all these things, She's like, I'm still here. And the Lord still keeps calling me. He still wants me. Why does this man want me? You know, I'm a liability. I don't think he's thinking about this like, who is the Lord's financial advisor? He's wasting money in a bottomless pit coming after me.

Victoria: And yet he still did. And so watching him say yes to me, cause God doesn't just say yes to you once He, if you listen and you lean in, he constantly, he constantly reminds you. And so seeing how he loved me and how he kept picking on me and betting on me outta all people, that helped me to say yes to him.

Victoria: And then once I said the yes, he showed me why he [01:12:00] picked me. And why he kept saying yes. And so I am in, in awe of him and I'll never stop. But I am in awe of me because he's shown me my identity and why he chose me and how he created me. And so now I get to look in the mirror and say, wow, you know, I was a good bet.

Victoria: I was a good, you know, I was a good horse to bet on. I was a good person to put this into. But you don't get to that and get to see that until you become a oneness with him. So first he shows you why you should bet on him, and then after he goes back and show you why he betted on you 

Destiny: right there, he keeps chasing you.

Destiny: Cause he's the first one 

Destiny: who believed in you. Mm-hmm. Even when you didn't believe in yourself. That's 

Destiny: right. There. How awesome it is that with all the talents and gifts that God has given everyone, and even when we don't wanna [01:13:00] use them or we don't even know we have them, that he is saying That one. That one right there.

Destiny: Was that a little crazy. She's good though. Like constantly reaffirming that we're enough because he made us in his image. That's good right there, man. So it's been my, I wanna stop have so much other talk about, but it is closing out. So my question is our little light, our little lightning round. So my first question is, for young writers listening was one piece of advice that you would 

Destiny: give them on their author journey.

Victoria: One piece of advice I would give is to know your why. To know your why. To really, really know your why is important, why you're doing what you're doing, why you're saying what you're saying, why this is important. And once you know your why, at any point in [01:14:00] the writing process, you can remind yourself of why you're doing what you're doing.

Victoria: And that'll be enough if you have a strong why and if you know that this is important to keep you moving forward. Mm. The facts right 

Victoria: there. What book would you recommend young authors? 

Victoria: Authors to read? Yeah. So I must say, if I could recommend a book for you to read because I am biased, my dear, it would be Yes, sure was yes.

Victoria: About my love story with Christ and how he said yes to me and how I spend the rest of my life saying yes to him. 

Destiny: Mm-hmm. And where can people connect with you? How can they get in touch with you, find you collaborate with you? Where should they go? 

Victoria: Yes. And so I am on all social media. So on TikTok, I am Victoria T talks, you can find me there.

Victoria: I am also Victoria Lofton, L o f T I n, on [01:15:00] Facebook. I also am Victoria T talks on Instagram as well. You can also contact me at victoria dot lofton iCloud com and my website is created Crown Me. So that's how you connect with me. 

Destiny: Also everyone. And so just also a reminder, everything will be in the links below to connect with Victoria and her wonderful story and be part of wonderful mission of empowering women and young girls with through traumas.

Destiny: Cause we are, we don't have to stay at trauma. We can be triumphant at the end. And Victoria, just one of the awesome examples that we have, have to talk to today. Catch you all next time. Thank you for listening to Penned by Design. Links are in the show notes of all items mentioned in today's show. Don't forget to pick up your free self-publishing guide [01:16:00] to start your author journey in the show notes hang your own story designed by you.

Destiny: Catch you next episode. Bye for now.